I wasn't feeling very well in the past days.
Almost four months ago I wrote about overcoming a crisis and how in the end it will all turn out good. However I also mentioned setbacks. At that time I thought I already knew what these where about. I thought it would be a really short amount of time in which you feel really bad but somehow also know that this would be over soon and you wouldn't even care that much. But in the past days I seriously got to know what a true setback is.
Ignited by the origin of my initial depression, I fell deep. Really deep. Close to when this hit me, I put myself into a situation like I had known before and had also used as a trigger mechanism for bad feelings in the past. Because the truth is, depression or just bad feelings don't come out of nowhere. We do specific things that get us into this state of mind. Be it consciously or unconsciously. In the beginning of a crisis however it mostly happens unconsciously. When I got out of this situation, I put myself into in first place, I went home. I was alone. I had enough time to recap the situation and go through every single detail again. And I do have a tendency to pick out only the negative aspects in such situations. I – not surprisingly – felt terrible. I just couldn't believe that what I was going through was real. It didn't make sense to me. I felt worse than ever before! I believed after beginning a therapy everything would just go upwards.
That's how I imagined the progress. Progress being the derivate of “amount of feel-good”.
Just imagine how the integral of it would sky-rocket out of this website!!
After being hit by a setback, my imagination of the progress turned into something more like this:
Note that I deliberately chose progress. The graph shows the amount of progress over a given time. See, the graph always has a positive slope. It just sometimes gets less. And that's how it is. You're still making progress. Because these setbacks are essential to overcoming a crisis. They will come up when you have to deal with something that gave you bad feelings in the past. And of course it will make you feel bad. But part of it all is learning to deal with such situations to be able to cope with them better in the future. I didn't realize this in first place. It took me a serious setback to realize that progress isn't exponential. And I am back to thinking that in the end it will all turn out good :)